to write, dream, wish and live

August 23, 2012 Comments Off on to write, dream, wish and live

its one of those things I keep putting off that I’ll get back to someday, someday I’ll get caught up and stop working so much and take a little time for myself but before I know it someday may have come and gone and I’ll still be sitting here with nothing done, alone. Today is a hard day, its taking every ounce of my strength to keep working and get the things done I need to get done when all I want to do is go back to sleep. I started taking my medicine again and its calling me back to sleep, while I adjust to the medication, I feel groggy and sluggish, like my brain is asleep. Every ounce of self-control to keep from lashing out, to keep my anxiety from rising, to keep myself from falling asleep. And I forget to write it down, I’ve stopped writing because I don’t have time, I don’t have enough time in the day to get it all done but if I allow myself just time to get it under control again, I’ll have more time to get it done, its a catch 22. I need to sleep in order to get used to the medication, I need to sleep in order to gain more time and yet, my anxiety level is rising because I don’t have enough time to get it all done. I’m so underwater, I feel like I’m losing the battle to stay in control. I laugh it off like no big deal but inside I’m struggling. I’m bored. I’m so bored with the day to day work, I want to scream at the top of my lungs and just stop this madness that is never ending, this boredom that I struggle through day to day. I want to do something different, something creative, something anything but what I sit here and do, day after day, every day. I want to feel free again, free to do whatever I want, when I want to do it, not bogged down by the details, free to live and fly. Free to write, finish my books, finish my art, be creative, dream, love, wish. To remember to write, to dream, to love, to wish but the details are bogging me down. This isn’t living, this is existing. I don’t want to just exist, I want to live. I guess the question for tonight, do I continued to struggle through the work, or do I just go to sleep and try again tomorrow. Maybe I just finish this one task and start over tomorrow and there goes the never-ending cycle, one more thing to do, one more thing that won’t get done, one more thing that gets behind because I am bored with my life.

Categories : Musings
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