Continue reading »]]> Sebastian, the little semi-feral cat with a spine problem, he came into my heart with a whoosh and an eww! He needed regularly bathing because of his spontaneous poop and pee but once we got that under control he was a lovable little guy, he absolutely loved been brushed out and knew exactly how to move his legs to get them all cleaned up. I think he might have even started getting some feeling back in those back legs. The neighborhood knew him as hop-a-long and all thought he was such a sweet cat….

Stupid people in cars, watch where you’re going and if you hit something, stop, check it out and ask the people in the area..just maybe you could have save his life (damn there are 2 vet techs on this street)…just maybe, I would have my little guy still here with me.

I was calm about finding him until I went to feed everyone tonight, instead of 10 bowls, there are only 9 bowls. No more running to find me in the morning, meowing at me to feed him, no more hearing him or almost tripping over him because he liked to fall against my legs, no more scratching his little head or seeing him grow up in to a fine young man with goregous long hair.

Sebastian 7/20/10 to 12/2/11

Rest in peace, my little friend. Go play in Summerland where your legs work and you can climb up the tallest tree or on top of the roof with your friends (instead of longingly looking up).  Tell your brother, Squirt, hi for me and play with one another. I’ll miss you but you will always have a piece of my heart.

Continue reading »]]> Sssh working
Curled up
Pent up rage
Explosion
Woosh
Pop goes the weasel
——–
I realize I shouldn’t engage the weasel but when he says that I’m a disappointment who let’s people down. It utterly pisses me off. He’s a whiney weasel who is incredibly disrespectful and have this imagine of his head popping off like a balloon. And on top of of his whininess, damn it I’m on vacation but because of his need to get attention, he’s being a superior asshole…so pop goes the weasel!

Continue reading »]]> everyone at the table heard the comment, everyone at the table thought to themselves that it wasn’t right and yet not a soul mention it. Not a soul defended the person that was hurt by the comment, not a soul said something to the attention whore (an insecure person that is so emotionally unstable and needy, that they have to constantly be the center of attention in any given situation). It happens every time and every time, she gets away with it.  I’ve learned to deal with most of the time, I just don’t interact with her all that much, I stay away from the situation and her but every single time I think that someone might defend me, it never happens. I keep thinking that if someone would just tell her what a total bitch she is, maybe she’d stop but I’m living in a fantasy world because that will never happen, she’ll take it out on that person and cause them emotional distress, I’ve seen it happen more than once.

I guess I should have realized what was going to happen as soon as I said hi to her that day, but I thought I would just let it go, let that one think go and be a silent statue for the rest of the night, hell I didn’t think she would do it  but then again anything to put one person down to make herself look better, I guess she doesn’t realize that sounds like a crazy bitch. (btw, me being big has nothing to do with eating too much, I don’t exercise and I sit all damn day).

Then again maybe I should just defend myself once and for all and tell her how I feel and walk away from her. I love her but I don’t like her very much some days. Maybe its time to just defend myself and let the chips fall where they may. Will she change, probably not. Will she still take it out on someone else, most likely, but maybe they should stand up for themselves too. Maybe its time to stop her insanity.

Continue reading »]]> I can’t do it anymore, plans are made and I always feel like I’m the last to know, drop everything I’m doing and make an appearance and then I just sit there and say nothing for 3 hours because if I open my mouth,  no one is really interested in what I have to say or a snide comment will come my way. Why bother, why go home feeling miserable and upset because it happened again and no one cares that they upset me anyways. No one sees the tears about to spill out. I always feel like I’m looking through a glass window watching the action take place but not really being part of the action.  I could have easily stay home and worked and not have been part of the group.

looking through the looking glass, I can see the potential beauty within but I never seem be able to obtain that ideal world, a world where I am more than a mere appearance, a silent statue watching

Continue reading »]]> My kitten Squirty Roo died yesterday, a sudden death, very unexpected. He had been having pain in his legs and had his normally little tude and I thought he was doing ok. He wasn’t eating all that great but he was finicky, I figured he was being his normal little spoiled self wanting my food and not his own. I had no idea he was sick or hurting. I feel like a little piece of my heart is gone, he was my baby, I raised him, bottle fed him, he was a part of my soul. I took him to the regular vet who suggest I take him to the emergency vet because they were closing soon and he died in the car on the way to the emergency vet, he crawled to his favorite spot in the car, stood up, threw up, convulsed and died. It was horrible, I was stuck in traffic and couldn’t get to him in time to hold him while he died. I feel so horrible that he died on the way to the next vet. I wish the regular vet had given me time to just hold him instead of pushing us out the door, those 5 extra minutes would have been time to say goodbye. He had almost made it to his 1 year birthday.

After some research on the internet (after my vet couldn’t provide me with any answers except to say his lungs were full of fluid, seriously I think its time to find another vet) I discover that Squirty Roo might have had a congential heart disease, he was the runt, he had always had problems and there was a chance he wouldn’t survive. Its possible that he had FIP (Feline infectious peritonitis ) which is hard to diagnose and almost always ends in death. The symptoms fit = loss of appetite, weight loss, rough hair coat, pot-bellied due to fluid accumulation in the abdomen. When the fluid accumulation becomes excessive, it may become difficult for the cat to breathe normally. As well as cardiomyopathy which causes lack of appetite, possible vomiting, and a buildup of fluid in the lungs that causes difficulty in breathing. Overall it seems that he must have had FIP which progressed into heart failure and a stroke causing his death.

I’m going to miss my little guy, a piece of my soul died yesterday along with him. I hope he finds donuts and cheetos in summerland, that his little soul finds peace.

Rest in peace, squirty roo 7-20-10 to 7-9-11

Continue reading »]]> I thought combining all the various blogs would make it simpler to keep track and update various parts of me but its seems to be more confusing in the long run, in theory, things always look good on paper, in practice they don’t seem to always work out (then again, possibly it was the theme that seemed to make everything jumbled). I have moved accounting, technology and website design over to the business blog(chaoticx.com). Sexymagick is still in the works of being moved over to ElementsWrite..I miss blogging, I think its time to take a moment each day and write something, anything….today’s lesson, write something!

Continue reading »]]> I wasn’t going to talk about this here but there are so many assumptions and perceptions about people who are bipolar that it seems like an essential conversation to have with those around us, for those that have just learned they are bipolar, for the families of people that are bipolar to understand that our brains are wired differently, not bad but different.

Bipolar disorder affects as many 27 million people worldwide, but it is not particularly well understood (Owen). It is characterized by extreme shifts in mood, from periods of mania, to periods of depression. Like schizophrenia, it is a mental illness that Western society still looks upon in many ways as a form of madness. There is no cure for bipolar disorder, and the treatments that exist are not particularly reliable. (Serendip) One doctor I visited told me that self-medicating myself for years with speed was probably helping mask the bipolar symptons and that I should go on Ritalin to help with the depression and Ambien to bring down the mania – sounds crazy right?

And even for those who are helped by mood stabilizing medications, they are not a cure. For most people, symptoms persist despite whatever help medication and therapy may provide. It is from this that the stigma of bipolar disorder arises. The vast majority of mental illnesses are static conditions; their symptoms can be predicted and compensated for, either through medication or a change in behavior. Such is not the case with bipolar disorder; the changes can be sudden and incomprehensible. (Serendip)

Western medicine doesn’t understand what causes bipolar and they try drug upon drug upon drug to help with the symptons, many of which don’t help. And when you’re in a mania phase, you feel great and stop taking your medication because of course you’re on top of the world and don’t need drugs to control your symptons. And then of course, its starts all over again, your brain shifts, you feel depressed and irritable and angry, lashing out at people you love or hiding within your house, stuffing all those horrible feelings deep inside until your brain shifts again and your on top of the world. Ah, the brain shifting, my brain sometimes goes to sleep for a while during the shift, I’m awake and working but can’t always remember why I did something a certain way.

The western world views that people that are bipolar have a madness or are unstable or unable to hold down jobs or unable to babysit nieces or would be horrible as parents and the list goes on and on because our moods shift so erratically. Holding down a job is sometimes hard but starting my own business has helped tremedously with this so-called madness in my brain, I can set my own schedule and switch things around if needed.

I told a friend tonight I was doing great for years and years and then I got older, hormones changed and all the sudden it started coming back in leaps and bounds + my stress levels got higher and higher, then the anxiety started and then the weird issue of not wanting to leave my house, I have to make myself leave some days and I stopped blogging and keeping things to myself…anyways, keeping shit to myself doesn’t help with the bipolar manic thing – our thoughts are racing and then I slam into a wall and don’t want to do anything or be…the life of being bipolar, our brains are different, not bad but different. Don’t stop talking about it, don’t keep it all inside yourself.

New research indicates that differences in brain anatomy may contribute to the development of bipolar disorder and that neurotransmitter imbalances may be capable of changing the brain. neurotransmitters  are involved in the aetiology of mood disorders, especially the monoamines (noradrenaline,serotonin and dopamine) and acetylcholine. While earlier simplistic theories suggested that an excess of neurotransmitters occured during a manic episode and a decrease occurred during depression, this is clearly not the case. Instead, it is the effectiveness of the cell functioning under the modification and control of neurotransmitters that underlies the pathoetiology of mood disorders. (Bipolar Disorder: Aetiology).

 I have a new natural eastern medicine doctor that is treating the neurotransmitter imbalances in my brain which is helping with the anxiety and stress levels although I still feeling the mania creeping in and the depression fighting for control. What really sucks is sometimes I can feel incredibly energetic and horribly depressed at the same time, which side is winning in my brain?

Anyways, the new research seems to explain that people with bipolar aren’t mad, we are wired differently not bad but different. We still capable of being parents, being in a relationship, babysitting,  some days may be great, some days may be bad but we’re still capable of functioning in the world, we dance to our own tune because we’re wired a little differently, being unique is a good thing.

Sources
“Bipolar Disorder: Aetiology.” Brain Explorer. Lundbeck Institute, Web. 15 Feb 2010. http://www.brainexplorer.org/bipolar_disorder/Bipolar_Disorder_Aetiology.shtml
Serendip: Disease or Madness: Society’s Perception of Bipolar Disorder 2/23/10
http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/exchange/node/6374