Shutout

ever wonder what makes people lonely or why you may not see a neighbor for days on end? do you know what its like to feel dismissed?

The idea was so simple, start meeting neighbors through events, maybe make a friend or two along the way, maybe just maybe have a reason to get out of the house occasionally. Being an incredibly shy person, it was hard at first to meet new people, trying to find a common interest, throwing events to bring people together. I put so much effort into pushing myself to get out there only to find, I’m back at the beginning again, an outsider wondering what is going on, even more lonely than before I tried. Hell, I didn’t need more of feeling this way.

At least before, I didn’t know anyone so it didn’t really matter. But now I know, know that there is a secret society of neighbors who only like people like them, that only allow certain people to become members and have one controlling admin that only allows people she likes into this secret society. Now there is this private FB page that she won’t let me join, there are secret meetings held and secret events that no one will tell me about and I wonder why did I even try.

And its not from my lack of trying to belong, I’ve requested over and over and over to be added.  I’d love to host a meeting at my house and get to know more people or host a meet/greet wine event or even a dinner party.

And I don’t think I’m a horrible person that doesn’t have anything to add to the group but then again, maybe I’ve been too outspoken in the past about being shutout of the decisions or maybe I’m too weird to be part of the group.  But I still feel dismissed, lonely and shutout. I keep thinking maybe I should just turn the lead of nextdoor over to someone else because it’s apparent no one likes me and why bother with events or even the website, because no one is interested.

I’m weird in a good way, perhaps smarter too and maybe I’m just not their cup of tea, but that doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt.